James W. Meng

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The FBI Are Even More Absurd Than I Would Have Previously Warned You They Are

For those of you who are still not sure whether you are a black Jew or a Slav, in order to determine where you should stand on the subject of the Russian military operation in Ukraine, I'll offer some additional assistance. It's hard for some of you, I know.

Отмечая первую годовщину российского полномасштабного вторжения в Украину, ФБР приглашает к сотрудничеству сотрудников РФ, обладающих секретной или закрытой информацией. Вы хотите изменить своё будущее? Связаться с сотрудниками ФБР можно в Signal по номеру +1-771-201-4210.

— FBI Washington Field (@FBIWFO) February 24, 2023

Above is the second in a series of Russian-language advertisements published on Twitter that ostensibly exists to solicit Russian defectors from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Upon reading it, a native Russian speaker might note that the lanugage is a bit awkward. One news outlet, the Washingtonian translated it as follows:

“Do you want to change your future? On the one-year anniversary of Russia’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine, the world is watching as two countries are devastated by war. I turn to you to help change the future. Walk into any regional FBI office and tell them that you would like to change your future. Come visit us, or talk to American friends of yours that you trust and tell them you’d like to talk to the FBI and we can create safe conditions for communication. You can securely contact the FBI through the Signal app using this phone number: (771) 201-4210.”

And I found this all really amusing, I mean, the last time I got to really get into translating Anglo Gay [TRABLUMPKIN]-Net Code for an international audience was during the Supreme Court confirmation hearing for Amy Coney Barrett, during which - among other things - she went into this hilarious veiled tirade about how her experiences raising her dumbass son made her realize that the moratorium on prosecuting White Anglo Field Peasant men would have to last forever or the very fibre of American society would totally collapse. Great stuff. Really heartwarming. Anyhow, this ad is arguably on that level or better, if you know how to think about how Gay [TRABLUMPKIN]-Man at the FBI translates his Gay [TRABLUMPKIN]-Code into Russian, using grammatical inflection to fit it all into 280 characters or less. Forget the video, I'm not a cinematic critic, I'm going to stick to the tweet because that's all you really need to get what's going on here. Let me explain:

The first clause, "Otmechaya pervuyu godovshchinu rossiiskovo polnomasshtabnovo vtorzheniya v Ukrainu", is where the Gay [TRABLUMPKIN]-Code begins. They hit you in the face with it straightaway. "If you don't speak my Gay [TRABLUMPKIN]-Code then get the fuck out of here." An accurate literal translation would be something along the lines of "Noting the first anniversary of the Russian full-scale invasion to Ukraine". The Russian verb "otmechat" (imperfective form) and "otmetit" (perfective form) can be used in a lot of different contexts - from something along the lines of "to note", all the way to "to celebrate" (in the perfective). We must assume they are noting, or perhaps even observing, but not celebrating, because of the use of the imperfective participle form. Then we come to the end of the phrase and wonder what the hell is going on because we are talking about an invasion OF Ukraine, "vtorzheniya Ukrainy", not an invasion TO Ukraine. The distinction is the same in both languages. We are also clear that the FBI are not talking about a conversation that they have had with any of the Ukrainian authorities, "vtorzheniya Ukrainye", because it is the accusative "vtorzheniya v Ukrainu" that is being used. What does that mean, well, actually, it doesn't make sense, it's basically a grammatical error. It's very odd usage, signalling either that somebody at the FBI doesn't remember the grammar - the old Anglo "hey look I'm totally incompetent, just like you, boss, now promote me" game - or just wants you to think he doesn't remember the grammar - or he really just wants to drop the newly-politicized "v Ukrainu" just to signal he's hip and will build your grammar-rules-be-damned extremist-leftist safe space in a DC suburb where you never, ever have to even encounter someone like me who would dare use the old Imperial and Soviet "na Ukrainu" because it's correct and why the hell would you change it anyway. You could be really generous and translate it as "...the invasion INTO Ukraine" but either way, you get the hint about who they are and who they're looking for - guys like them, guys like Putin, guys who have no idea what the fuck is happening beyond whatever literal correspondence they get. Are you old and stupid and really bothered by the Russian Army brutalizing anybody dumb enough to vote for and then risk their life for the cynical black Jew in Kiev? Well, you might just wanna get on that empty DC metro train. I guess. Based on the first clause of that sentence, it's pretty clear that this is a terrible idea for anyone outside that profile.

Second clause is remarkably clear by Anglo standards: "FBR priglashaet k sotrudnichestvu sotrudnikov RF, obladayushchikh sekretnoi ili zakrytoi informatsiei", or, "The FBI invites employees of the Russian Federation possessing secret or confidential information to cooperate with us." I wanted to leave that translation as literal and direct as possible - some of the language the FBI used is pretty typical phraseology in Russian that isn't typically translated directly to English because the inflection isn't quite as intended - but that's the same reason why I'm not going deep into it; there's just nothing much there. "Priglashchenie k sotrudnichestvu" or, literally, "invitation to cooperation" is very normal Russian, something you'd see on an ordinary private-sector job ad. Which then invites more questioning, because it is extremely difficult to evade digital surveillance in this day and age, even if you are very good. I approach the problem as a private citizen who behaves like a brutal, senior trial attorney and hedge fund manager in a lot of contexts, which is why I basically get to do whatever I want, but that is really quite difficult if you are a diplomat. And the reality is that the Russian and American authorities have collaborated on such stings in the past, and it is likely that such cooperation will happen again. Remember, there are many, many Russians imprisoned in the USA, including children of senators; major organized crime figures; bankers; industry executives who literally sell American and other Western products to Russia: the list of arbitrary arrests and prosecutions goes on and on. There is also another interesting list - that of Russians who defected to the USA and later killed themselves. Yet the list of Americans imprisoned in Russia is short and typically comprises the most egregious pedophiles, drug addicts, and idiots. If you think your diplomatic immunity or local law applies at all here, you're simply wrong - you can be arrested by your country's own officials on the grounds of your embassy - and then you're done.

Now let's talk about the video. What does it mean that the DC metro and city buses are empty during the day? If you're smart enough to catch on to the fact that they're stroking your ego, good for you. Nobody's on those buses - nobody important, anyway. Want to take a car? Careful about how you do that, especially in the greater DC area. Take a look at Alan Kohler's face. That look like an healthy normal man to you? No hair, severely discolored eyes? Look, I know enough about physiology and biochemistry to tell you right now - that guy's been poisoned over and over again, probably over the course of decades. His boss probably thinks he's a total imbecile. It may even be his own wife who's trying to kill him, not a rare thing for American women to do either. Nobody who recruits foreign agents in public on twitter is exactly going to be winning over the world around them. It's a brazen lack of self-awareness on display here, and a brazen lack of care for those who would place their trust in the FBI. As I've noted before, I do not approve. Manipulating and abusing the high-placed and unsophisticated is not something admirable. Sure, they never belonged there to begin with, but that's not their fault.

The one admirable thing Ukraine under the black Jew has done, I think, in all of this, is to offer concrete bounties for assistance from the other side of the conflict as they insanely insist on the nonsensical borders of their country that were established entirely arbitrarily by Stalin at the Yalta Conference. Specific amounts are offered for men who defect from Russia by themselves; with tanks; with planes; etc., and the associated amounts are not at all inconsequential. But Russia and the USA are always suspiciously "blowing smoke up people's asses", so to speak, with regard to the same. What does it mean when two sides of a proxy war are reluctant to commit to any desired outcome in such a war with real resources and guarantees of security for those who put their lives on the line to secure an outcome? That, I think, is the most important hint - this is not an issue to try to defect over. If you think your life as a Russian diplomat or foreign intelligence agent is bad now, guess what - you now have the power to make it a whole lot worse, very quickly. Just use Signal to call +1-771-201-4210, or walk into any FBI office and say, "I need my Gay [TRABLUMPKIN] Safe Space". Some dolt whose wife is trying to kill him is waiting to inadvertently make a fool of you all over Washington DC, and there's another major world capital that won't be far behind.

here, I'll even translate the video for you (each subtitle frame has its own line) because the Washingtonian thing is crap

Do you want to change your future?
Observing the first anniversary of the Russian full-scale invasion into Ukraine,
we look out over a world
in which two nations are devastated by war.
I appeal to you,
to those, with authority to change the future.
Walk into any FBI regional office
and tell them that you would like to change your future.
Visit us, or speak with Americans you trust.
Tell them that you would like to speak with the FBI,
and they will connect with us on your behalf.
You can securely
communicate with FBI counterintelligence agents
through the Signal app using phone number +1 771 201 4210.